Community Lacking

I now have a note written on a post-it in my car that reads: "Remember, I never asked to be your friend." It is signed by a person who will remain nameless. Why does this message bother me so? As soon as I met this person the thought ran through my mind, "Oh good! a new friend!" Right from the start that was too much to expect. It has been a disappointing friendship, if you can even call it a friendship. I am not sure what category of relationship to place it in. Is there a "fall short of friendship" category? I am not use to failing at making friends, but for some reason, I feel as though I have. If I was in grade school, the teacher would not be able to mark, "Makes friends easily." I am not use to people not wanting or needing friends, much less my friendship. One of my mistakes is in thinking that I am a good friend and people are blessed to have my friendship. Perhaps being a friend is one thing but becoming friends is entirely different. As I grow older, making friends has become increasingly difficult. The situation with this person is only one case. I see this friendship as an example of many others that I have attempted in the past year. There is a pattern forming and I am not comfortable with it.

What does it mean to be a friend anyway? Too often I romanticize the idea of friendship, blaming it on the Anne of Green Gable novels where Anne is "bosom friends" with Diana. A young girl is taught from early on that having friends, especially a best friend, is a mark of being human. I am truly blessed to know a number of individuals, both males and females, who have taught me by example what it means to be a friend. They are people who I feel comfortable with calling just to say hello. We need no excuse or reason to call. We do not speak every week but when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off. When I need help and support, they are right there to lend a hand or a prayer - whatever they can give. These are the people that I can chat with about random ideas while watching a baseball game or share the deep longings of my soul over a cup of coffee. These are the men and women who laugh with me about life's odd twists and turns. They remind me not to take myself too seriously. These friends are, sadly, miles away from where I live. Most of them are friends from high school or college years.

So what does it take to make new friends? Not simply to make acquaintances, but meaningful, lasting connections. I am not sure that I have the answer to this question. I can count the number of intimate friendships that I have made in the past two and a half years of living in Texas on one hand. These are people who I will want to keep in touch with when I move away. These are the people who will receive a wedding invitation when/if I ever have a wedding to invite friends to. It is not because I have not tried. The whole first year in Fort Worth I attempted to build friendships. I met people in classes and at church. I will never forget the many times I thought of doing something, only to have noone join me even though I called five or six individuals. This is where I learned to do things by myself. The days of doing things in groups passed with the graduation of college. Graduate school is simply different. I spent the first semester in Waco trying to connect with people - going to the parties and trying to find the right church community.

Perhaps this is what I am trying to communicate. Searching for friends and building new relationships is about community. Scripture calls us to live our faith in relationship with others. Without community something very important is missing in the life of a believer. Community tells us that we are valued and instructs us to value others. It challenges us to see the world from a different view. It opens our eyes to our neighbor's view. My view has been narrow for far too long. My life has been full of my own scenery. There must be community out there for me... where I am... here in my last months in Waco. There must be friendships to be made and connections to be discovered.

As the note states clearly, this person does not want friends. It is nothing personal, this person simply does not have time nor energy for friends outside of the church to which he ministers. We spoke about it. I can understand this point but it still causes me to frown in sadness. The older we become the more lazy we are. Many times I have given up hope of having friends while in seminary. It is easier for me to sit at home on a Friday night then to find someone's company to enjoy. Graduate school has become an excuse to isolate myself from others. Studies need my attention and my wallet is empty. But something inside me tells me that friendships are worth the effort. Community is worth the time and energy. A blessing is to be experienced and a blessing is to be given.

I am not sure what I will do with this note. I do not know why I care so much except that this person is part of the body of Christ and I sense the need to include this person in my community. My response to this note is to ask, "Can I be your friend?"